All Over the Map
All Over the Mapby Rob GraceMarch 3, 2010
I finally got around to seeing this Avatar thing. You probably know the movie. Apparently, it's the biggest box office hit of all time. Of course, if you throw in inflation bucks, the real champ is still Gone with the Wind. Or is it Benji Goes to Rural Korea and is Served Stir-Fried with Steamed Rice and Cabbage? I forget. Anyway, according to BoxOfficeMojo.com, this Avatar thing has made almost $2.5 billion worldwide, and it's nominated for nine Oscars including Best Picture. I'm not a science-fiction dude. I prefer crime films, brainless comedies, quirky dramas as well as any movie that involves a hot tub and Pamela Anderson. And I'm definitely not a big fan of James Cameron, the guy who wrote and directed this Avatar thing, as well as that Titanic thing. Sure his two Terminator movies were fun, but his subtlety as a filmmaker is non-existent: He hits you over the head with an anvil to make sure you get his point. Cameron is a special effects genius, however, and this Avatar thing apparently had jaw-dropping 3D imagery. So it was that and the hype surrounding this Avatar thing that finally made me go see the damn movie. And to get the full effect, I saw it at the Chenal IMAX in Little Rock where the screen is about three stories high. I'll admit the special effects in this Avatar thing are amazing. Much of the movie takes place on a moon called Pandora where the natives -- called the Na'vi -- are 12 feet tall, Smurf-blue and fly around on these prehistoric-looking dragon-like creatures. Mountains float in misty air, neon-infused vines sprout from tree branches and roots, and mean military dudes from Earth zip around in ships and helicopters blowing the beauty of Pandora into a million flaming bits. See, this Avatar thing is about a ruthless corporation strip-mining Pandora for a valuable mineral and utilizing the U.S. Marines to drive the peaceful Na'vi out of their forest. Cameron obviously wants you to think of past and present exploitation of native people (read: Native Americans, Iraqis, etc.) by heartless Western capitalists, and he goes well out of his way in portraying most of the human characters in the most despicable and ruthless manner while painting the people of Pandora with an immaculate, peace-loving glow. Basically, they're blue New-Age hippies battling The Man. The hero of the movie is Jake Scully (there's a Hollywood movie hero name), a paraplegic Marine who is recruited to infiltrate the Pandora folks through an avatar -- a genetic mixture of human and Na'vi DNA. Scully, encased in what looks like a very comfortable tanning bed, can use his brainwaves to control his avatar on Pandora and then he -- Wait. I'm getting bored trying to explain this stuff, so let's cut to the chase: Jake's avatar becomes enraptured by the ways of the Na'vi, he falls in love with one of these blue giant chicks, and then he leads the natives in a rebellion against the Man. It's Dances with Wolves on Another Planet. We've seen it all before, and while the special effects are worth the price of admission, after the umpteenth scene of Na'vi mumbo jumbo about being one with nature, I wanted to leave the theatre, get in a truck and drive it off a cliff. I know. I know. I'm sounding like a cynical weenie. I'm not for strip-mining or exploiting people (unless it involves a hot tub and Pamela Anderson), but with this Avatar thing, Cameron is strip-mining cinema cliches and trying to exploit viewers with every trick in the book including cardboard characters, a been there-done that story and those special effects. Oh, and then it ends with some horrible, someone-please-stick-ice picks-in-my-ears syrupy love song that sounds exactly like that Celine Dion dreck that ended Cameron's Titanic. Ugh. Well, I guess I'm in the minority. It'll win a load of Oscars Sunday night (except Best Picture -- I think that'll go to the superb Iraqi war drama The Hurt Locker), and it'll end up making a billion more bucks when it hits DVD. And...sigh...we'll likely have Avatar 2 in a few years. And I can promise you, I'll skip that one. Unless, of course, it features a scene involving a hot tub and Pamela Anderson. Rob Grace is the president of W.R.D. Entertainment. Feel free to e-mail him at rgmax99@yahoo.com, and check out his blog: www.suburbanvoodoo.blogspot.com.
