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June 2010

Check out Rob's blog at www.suburbanvoodoo.blogspot.com.

 

All Over the Map

by Rob Grace

June 9, 2010

 

Many thanks going out to the readers of this column and my blog who love my idea of opening an all you can eat Mexican buffet/China buffet/nail spa & tobacco store.  It’s good to see my entrepreneurial genius is appreciated by so many people.  Oddly, I’m still having trouble trying to sell the concept to some banks, but I have something going regarding a new friend I’ve been trading e-mails with in Nigeria and if that goes through – fingers crossed – I’ll be able to finance the venture myself!

A few of you have suggested adding to the concept.  A reader of my blog suggested I build some storage rentals, and I’m kicking myself for not thinking of that.  I mean, der, this area needs at least 14 more storage rental facilities.  Another person suggested I add tanning beds to the business, but I really think spray tanning is the future so that might be the route I go with that particular aspect.

Of course, there were some “kooks” who responded to my idea.  One person thought I was actually making fun of the fact that this area is proliferated with Mexican and Chinese restaurants, nail salons, etc., and that it would be refreshing if we had a better variety of eateries such as a genuine Thai restaurant, a Japanese steakhouse, or a 24-hour breakfast shop.

Wow.  The person who wrote that note had obviously been drinking at the time.  What kind of nut eats breakfast for dinner, or at 3 a.m. for that matter?  I’ve never even heard of “Thai” food.  What the heck is that silliness?  I can’t even pronounce it.  And a Japanese steakhouse?  Talk about an oxymoron.  Uh, hello?  The Japanese only eat rice, raw fish and seaweed.  And besides, everybody knows that, der, there are no cows in Japan.  

It’s amazing some people think I was being sarcastic.

These columns are serious!

***

I’ve decided to start dressing like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Naturally, I do not live in Hawaii, but that’s why they invented spray tans.

I’ll have to bulk up a little bit, so it looks like I’ll be making an extra trip or four to the China buffet and start doing some push-ups and a sit up now and then.

I’ve already started growing my hair, and I might start wearing extensions to move the look along.  However, I’m having trouble finding “yellow page yellow” in the hair color aisle at the store.  I might need some help on that.

I did pick up some mace and a pair of Oakley sunglasses with the Bluetooth headset, and my collection of leather pants and vests should arrive any day now from the International Male online store.

I have plenty of mesh shirts, though.  I wear them when I’m lounging around the house or playing with my bridge group.

I’m still deciding if I should order a bounty hunter badge to wear around my neck like Dog does.  See, I dig Dog’s look, but I’m not sure I want to be a real bounty hunter.  Sure, I’ll play pretend bounty hunter with my friends on the weekend.  My pal, Dewey, will pretend like he’s a wanted crack head, and I’ll bust in his apartment with my mace can and paint gun.  Dewey will jump off his deck, and I’ll run after him and tackle him in the grass, and while I’m arresting him, I’ll say something like, “The jig is up, Dewey!”  Of course, my 12-year-old son and his pals will be videotaping this whole thing.

But, like I said, I’m not sure I want to be a real bounty hunter.  See, when I do a job, I do it 110 percent.  And if I’m busting some dude for skipping bail, I might use too much force and actually hurt him with my takedown moves.  Just the other day when I was pretending like I was Don Johnson on Nash Bridges, I broke the collar bone of one of my son’s 12-year-old friends when she was pretending like she was a heroin junkie on the run from Nash.  

Boy -- it was tough trying to explain that situation to her parents and the sheriff’s deputies.

So, I think I’ll pass on becoming a real bounty hunter.

I’ll leave the real work to Dog.

 

 

All Over the Map

by Rob Grace

June 2, 2010

On Friday, May 28, 2010, I held the ceremonial groundbreaking for my spectacular new business!  Hundreds of local dignitaries were invited to watch me, Rob Grace, shovel the first pile of dirt at the construction site of this fantastic new addition to the area on this soon-to-be historic day!  Unfortunately, my secretary must have dropped the invitations in the wrong mailbox because no one attended this soon-to-be legendary ceremony, but that’s OK!  That’s why I, Rob Grace, am writing this column – to let YOU, dear friends, know that my groundbreaking ceremony was for the building that will house a business establishment that this area desperately needs!

So!  Without further adieux, I would like to announce that on Friday, May 28, 2010, I broke ground for (drum roll, please) ROB’S ALL YOU CAN EAT MEXICAN BUFFET/CHINA BUFFET/NAIL SPA & TOBACCO STORE!!

Yes, friends, I thought long and hard about what this area needs, and of course, the first thing I thought of was…a MEXICAN RESTAURANT!!  Because, really, friends, this area truly needs another MEXICAN RESTAURANT!!  You simply can’t have too many!!

Then, I thought, NO!  WAIT!  We need another all you can eat CHINA BUFFET!!  Because, really, you can’t have too many of those either!  I mean, I don’t know about you, but I could eat a plate full of fried rice and Mongolian beef ALL DAY LONG!!!  But, then, I love those taco salads in shells that YOU CAN EAT!!!  That’s when it hit me!  Why don’t I have a Mexican restaurant AND a China buffet in the SAME BUILDING!!!  I became so excited that my head almost EXPLODED!!!  It was as if my skull could not contain the sheer enthusiastic exhilaration that was RAGING IN MY HEAD!!!  But I’m glad my head did NOT explode because that would have been a MESS to clean!!!

But then, friends, another electrical surge jolted my entrepreneurial genius!  What if, friends, you could receive a nail job while you eat your plate full of enchiladas and orange-peel beef?!?!  Because, really, you can’t have too many NAIL SALONS!!

Naturally, friends, the nail salon would also be open for those who would choose not to eat a delicious meal of Mexican and/or Chinese food, but really, what person in their right mind would turn down the opportunity of getting their nails done AND eating some damn fine cuisine AT THE SAME TIME?!?!

Then, after you’re finished with your meal and your manicure, you’re naturally going to want to SMOKE a soothing cigarette to digest that delectable food!  So while you’re paying for your meal and manicure, you’ll want to check out my large inventory of discount cigarettes, cigarillos, chewing tobacco, snuff and lighters emblazoned with patriotic or Harley-Davidson or camouflage or skull-centric imagery!!  

So, be on the lookout for ROB’S ALL YOU CAN EAT MEXICAN BUFFET/CHINA BUFFET/NAIL SPA & TOBACCO STORE!!  Look for the dancing cigarette, dancing egg roll and dancing burrito in front!!  I’m predicting an opening date sometime between when the Harrison Street expansion ends or the Apocalypse – whichever comes first!!!

 


Rob Grace prepares to shovel the first scoop of dirt for his new business establishment! (Note: This is not the actual location because one has not been finalized because no sane banker will return Rob’s phone calls regarding this business!! Photo taken by Rob’s son, Hutton Grace, who is very concerned about the sanity of his father! Hutton also wants his shovel back!)

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